I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
