Ambien. No doubt about it.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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