I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
