I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
