The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
