My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
