OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
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Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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