note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
