her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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