Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
