I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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