I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
