You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
