i was rollin on her like bob the builder
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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