I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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