I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
