P.S. I can't hear my feet
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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