so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
