Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
