I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
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And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
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If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
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