He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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