Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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