So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
