Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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