Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
