I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We had to coat check the pizza.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
