So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
