scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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