I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
