I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
