Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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