I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
