Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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