My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
