We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
