Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
