ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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