before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
