Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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