he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
