Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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