I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
