I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
