I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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