Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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