one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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