I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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