11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
