It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
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Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
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After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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