There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
