I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
