So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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