I just cut my nipple shaving
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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