I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
