The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
