Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
