It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
