So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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